Satire by Rosie Sorenson
Microsoft recently announced it was retiring this particular typeface (Calibri) for something new, more now-ish—something familiar, yet exotic; nice, yet a little bit slutty. (CNN Business, April 28, 2021)
Microsoft put out a call for new designs and the following have been chosen as the top five, the American Idol of fonts, if you will. I’ve included some of the designers’ own quotes for each of the five. (Comments in parentheses are those of the writer.)
1. Tenorite. “We were craving something very round, wide, and crisp.” (How about a toasted bagel?)
2. Bierstadt. “In today’s world, I believe a grotesque, (i.e. sans serif) typeface’s voice needs a bit of a human touch to feel more approachable and less institutional.” (Can I get a puppy instead?)
3. Skeena. “This sans serif … may be the quirkiest of the bunch, while still being compact and readable as body text or presentation titles.”(Oh, that rascal Skeena!)
4. Seaford. “This gently organic and asymmetric sans serif … is like a warm hug, or a cozy reading nook, or a cup of tea. Something makes you want curl up in it.” (Again, a puppy?)
5. Grandview. “This sans serif typeface is derived from old German road and railway signage, which was designed to be legible at a distance. Its roots in signage give this one a mechanical but sophisticated vibe.” (Nothing says Nazi” like an old German railway sign.)
Microsoft is asking people to vote on these, which many believe are very much like Calibri. So why did Microsoft bother? And who has time to vote? And also, they are not killing Calibri, just making it a little more difficult to find in the fonts menu. Ah, marketing—ain’t it grand?
If they wanted to spruce up their image, they could restore support for Windows 7, upon which millions of us rely. But, no. That would make too much sense. They must have been thinking something along these lines: “We’ve got to mess with the fonts instead. That proves … what? Oh, right. That we’re bigger than you, we’re more powerful than you and we have too much money and too much free time. Enjoy!”
One inventive young person named M. Polo came up with the best idea yet. Why not create a typeface named after your favorite or most hated politician?
The “Marjorie Taylor Greene,” for example. As soon as you type a coherent sentence, the letters melt into something resembling Q.
“Because,” as Marjorie says, “That’s all you need to know.”
Or the “Matt Gaetz.” Instead of a serif, it sports the male symbol. ♂
“This just proves,” Matt says, “that I’m a healthy red-blooded American male and no, I did not pay that teenager for sex.”
Last, but not least, the Biden: $$$. He’s your drunken uncle throwing fifties at you for Christmas. God Ble$$ that man!
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, June 1, 2021
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