At a certain point in last night’s debate between the
remaining four Republican candidates I thought Donald Trump was going to whip
out a ruler and then whip out something else and start measuring.
I imagine that Republican demi-god Ronald Reagan, stealing
from an old Russian proverb, would respond to Trump’s claim that “I guarantee
you there's no problem. I guarantee,” by saying, “Trust but verify.”
Doth the lady protest too much? (This time it’s Shakespeare
providing the one-liner.)
Trump, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio and John Kasich could have
settled the question of male dominance the old Cub Scout way: Line up, unzip,
aim and see who can piss farther.
All jokes aside, that the question of the size of anyone’s
penis should be a topic of discussion at a presidential debate of a major
political party demonstrates how debased the American election process has
become. Rubio sank into a slime pit of vulgarity in his speech that brought up
the topic and Trump sank further down by responding specifically to Rubio’s
crude remark during a nationally televised debate.
Of course, the Fox News troika of inquisitors were more
interested in finding out about how the candidates felt about the accusations
of other candidates than they were in issues and experience. That played right
into the hands of the Donald, who preferred to insult other candidates than to
answer questions about his past business dealings, his contracts with foreign
manufacturers and his fuzzy math. In a series of charts at the beginning of the
debate, Chris Wallace revealed that Trump’s tax plan could never succeed.
Every candidate lied last night, at least once and sometimes
multiple times. Kasich lied when he took credit for the balanced budgets of the
1990s, which were a result of the Bush I and Clinton tax increases. Cruz lied
when he said he could get rid of the Internal Revenue Service. Rubio lied when
he said that stricter gun laws don’t make people safer. Trump—he lied about
everything that we can verify and remain within the boundaries of good taste.
Word to the Republicans: Not only does size not matter when
it comes to running the country, you don’t even have to have a penis. Yes,
Donald, Marco and Ted, even women can serve in the nation’s highest office.
The hidden message in the talk between “Little Boy” Rubio
and The Hands of the Donald was the retrograde idea that a president must be a
man. Size serves as a stand-in for a
wide range of related leadership qualities often seen as positive in men and
negative in women: firm, resolute, action-oriented, aggressive,
dominance-seeking. This subtle swipe at Hillary Clinton attempts to disqualify
her on the basis of her sex.
That only a man can be a president is an obsolete idea that
never had an iota of validity, but it is definitely part of the subtext of the
current election.
Still unanswered is whether or not Rubio, Trump and the
other GOP candidates believe the old wives tale that the
size of hands predicts the size of the male member. We know that none of them
can do math and we know that they have reading comprehension problems, at least
as it relates to 18th century documents such as the Constitution. We also know
they subscribe to a duffel bag of myths and folklore related to the free
market, climate change, evolution, LGTBQ individuals and women’s health.
For those more interested in the real world and real issues,
I recommend that you tune into the upcoming debates between Hillary Clinton and
Bernie Sanders. Or better yet, listen to either perform at a town hall meeting,
where they have time to detail their positions. Both Hillary and Bernie demonstrate
the presidential qualities sadly lacking in the Republican clown car.
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